Thanksgiving Conversation Going Wrong? Read This!

Ahh, Thanksgiving. A time for tradition, turkey and family.

While this can be a lovely time, there are some topics to avoid: this, that and the other thing. You know what they are, and since you weren't raised by wolves, you know how to have a polite conversation.

However...Uncle Merle will be there. He always is, since he lives in Grandma's basement and has since 1976, the year he (barely) graduated high school.

We all know that after a few too many glasses of merlot/bottles of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, Uncle Merle can get a little feisty.

"So, he says, looking at you with feckless disdain, "Why didn't you get into grad school again? Did you even apply? I was always too smart for school and them teachers could never handle my superior intellect. Hey, who did you vote for? You ain't a-one-a-them...you know...a-one-a-them?" He leans in conspiratorially and stares at you, all queued up for the "discussion".

You sigh inwardly. You didn't come here to fight, and this may be Grandma's last Thanksgiving. For sure, it's going to be your last Thanksgiving if he keeps it up. You love Grandma and all the hard work she's gone to for this once-a-year feast. You recall that Uncle Merle did one half semester of community college, refuses to shovel the sidewalk when it snows (that's 87-year-old Grandma's job, apparently) and really, really, really enjoys playing Grand Theft Auto all day.

Only thing he finished in recent memory was that fifth helping of turkey.

You consider mentioning this, but remember that you decided that you won't get pulled into another sideways conversation. Unlike Uncle Merle, you actually DID finish something, and it wasn't no 17th slice of pie, neither. You put on your biggest smile, look him right in his sauced-up eyes and start thinking of ways to re-direct the conversation.

But what to say?

Here are a list of topics that can help.*

*I mean, they helped me. Uh, I mean, the "person" in this article.

1) Cooking. How do you make biscuits? What do you put in meatloaf? These cinnamon rolls are so good--how long did you let the yeast rise?

2) The Weather. Is it going to snow this year? Last year, we had so much rain. Uncle Harry got caught in that tornado, up in Illinois up there, and lost all his crops.

3) Hobbies. How is that train set of yours going? How long have you been collecting stamps, again? And your collection of NASCAR Budweiser cans from 1982...did you ever get them all?

None of these working?

Okay, okay. Time to pull out the big guns.

4) Dolly Parton. Yes. You heard correctly. Everybody loves Dolly Parton. Who was Jolene? Where did she work that 9 to 5 job? How come we never see her husband in pictures?

Dolly Parton, the Patron Saint of Decency